Attachment Play is a set of 9 different ways of playing together with our children developed by the founder of Aware Parenting, Dr Aletha Solter. The theoretical basis is Attachment Theory and there is now a lot of research showing the importance of healthy parent child attachment. It is based on research in attachment, play therapy, psychotherapy, trauma, child development and neuroscience.
Aletha's approach is a synthesis of parent-child activities which have specific characteristics; it is child-centred, often including laughter, we don't need any specific equipment, often just using toys you already have, its free, we can do it any time anywhere - bed, car, supermarket. Often it is initiated by our children rather than something we do TO them but it can be adult initiated too. These are ways of playing together that are fun and enjoyable and that is free of permissiveness, aggression, teasing, shame, competition, and set rules.
But all parents play don't they?
Kids are always asking to play and sometimes it feels never ending, like they can never get enough. Attachment play is different in that it is always about play within the context of the connected safe parent-child relationship. Play often seen as silly and childish but Attachment Play recognises that children innately know how to play to heal from stress and trauma and that play is their natural language.
These are ways of playing with our children that have so many important, beneficial effects for children. Attachment Play reduces stress by releasing stress hormones and tension, strengthens attachment by building closeness and countering separation and isolation, solves behaviour problems and brings laughter and joy. It creates positive social interaction, stimulates the production of oxytocin - the feel-good chemical in our brain that reduces stress, promotes healing, growth and brain development. It brings our children increased confidence, feelings of competence instead of powerlessness, it meets their legitimate needs for connection, autonomy, choice and safety. It supports them to heal from trauma in 2 ways - by helping children to feel safe and connected (which is a requirement for healing) and because it helps children to safely revisit trauma without feeling overwhelmed and thereby transform traumatic memories.
Attachment Play is also really powerful to support our children's learning. Children use play to understand the world, to explore and make sense of it. In her new book Raising Joyful Lifelong Learners, Aletha describes how play contributes to physical strength, balance and coordination, and builds endurance. It helps children to develop social skills, language skills, cooperation, conflict resolution and negotiation. It supports intellectual development, learning of maths, logic, reading, spelling, writing. It increases creativity, and they enjoy learning and acquiring new information when it is through play. When play supports our children to release stress and trauma, children are able to learn better because stress and trauma interfere with learning. It meets their needs, builds resilience and brings joy.
Attachment Play contributes to all the different aspects of Aware Parenting. It builds close, attuned relationships with our children, offers alternatives to discipline using punishments and rewards, helps to reduce behaviour problems, and support healing from stress and trauma. In her book Attachment Play, Aletha says "When we interpret irritating or obnoxious behaviours as invitations for therapeutic play instead of misbehaviour, we can respond playfully and meet children's underlying needs.....a few minutes of playful engagement with your child can help him feel connected and begin to heal. The result will be a happier and more secure child with fewer problematic behaviours".
So the invitation when facing challenges with your child is to come back to trusting the innate wisdom of our children to know how to play and how to heal. For example, children becoming playful before bed in order to meet needs for connection and closeness and to release pent up, accumulated feelings.
There are 9 different types of attachment play:
Nondirective child-centred play - we give our children uninterrupted attention and they lead the play, with us following them and joining in for a set period of time.
Symbolic play - we use specific props and themes to support playful experiences around specific things that have been stressful or traumatic for our children.
Contingency - games where our behaviour is predictably repeated and contingent on our child's behaviour.
Nonsence - play where we are silly, making mistakes and having exaggerated reactions.
Separation - play which creates short moments of separation from our children and then reconnection again.
Power-reversal - games where our children get to be the strong, fast or capable one and we play the part of the weak, slow or silly one.
Regression - deliberately playing activities that you would normally do with a much younger child.
Body Contact - games that include safe physical contact and affectionate touch.
Cooperative - games where everyone works together towards a common goal without anyone losing.
Most of us did not receive this kind of connection so we don't really know how and we often lose connection to our innate playfulness. Aware parenting knows that all children are innately playful and so were we, and we would still be playful if we had been played with in these ways. We were often sent away to play by ourselves, or played with in competitive ways, our invitations to our parents to play might have been shamed or shut down or mocked, overpowered in play by parents tickling us or siblings hurting us. So when we try to play we might feel embarassed, irritated, lonely and sad, powerless, or bored, numb and dissociating, we might become competitive or find it hard to play the part of the weaker one in power-reversal games for example.
Parents also do not have enough support so we feel stretched, stressed and that we don't have time for play. It is really important to be compassionate with ourselves, not judging, coercing, comparing, over-thinking. Meeting our own needs even in small ways means we can be more playful too.
Sometimes play leads into tears or children hurting themselves and we can easily feel deflated, exhausted and like we aren't doing it right. But the Aware Parenting lens understands that the play has helped them to feel connected and safe so the deeper feelings start to rise. So just know that if you are playing or finishing playing and your child moves into tears, you can just be with them and lovingly listen as they release feelings with our loving support.
Our own play needs as adults and parents are also really important. As Marion Rose says in her book I'm Here and I'm Listening, "The more we are willing to experience fun and joy and pleasure in our lives, the more likely it is that AP will come easily to us". Without that we probably can't be truly playful. So what do you do that makes you feel happy, joyful? Can you intentionally do more of that? What makes you laugh?
My mantra has been "If in doubt, play." I wonder what would be a helpful mantra for you?
Imagine what it's like to be a child who feels that your parents really want to play with you, to follow your lead, to delight in being with you in a fun laughter-filled way. Imagine trying to be playful before sleep and being met heart to heart in that? Instead of don't be so silly or stop showing off, you were responded to with fun and the sense that they loved having fun with you, instead of shaming and judgement you got "I love it when you are being silly and goofy and felt trusted that you knew exactly what you needed to do to meet your needs and release your feelings in that moment?
What a powerful way to support your child to grow up knowing they are loved, they are welcome, they are safe.
If you want support with attachment play in your family, I am here for you. I highly recommend reading Dr Aletha Solter's book Attachment Play to learn more.
